I thought of a weird idea while I was walking home this evening. What if for just one day I can sign off. For one day, I will not be me and instead view myself from the outside. I just want to know who I really am. Am I really this girl who can face any problem that comes her way with courage and a clear view of things or this girl who complains about everything, even the smallest of things that doesn't go her way? I just really feel lost. Before college, I really planned on finding myself and knowing who I really am that's why I tried to distance myself first from my friends who I know I can rely on so I won't be that dependent on them. I planned to discover things on my own. Lately, it gets harder everyday to do this because I feel that with the right combination of problems and pressure I'll crumble. I can't even make sense out of this essay. I'm just so confused.

After a long time of pondering whether I should keep this account or not, I've finally came to the decision of keeping it. Right now, I'm facing the toughest trials I have ever known. Do you sometimes think that you really are aware of the bad things that might happen to you, but since they have not happened yet you put them at the back of your mind and eventually forget them[or you think you did]?

Anyway, I'm in a situation wherein I can't cry, for right now, crying in front of anyone can lead to something more complicated which I really can't handle anymore. In short, I've got to pretend that I'm not affected by anything that has happened. I've got to pretend I'm this strong person which I know I'm not.

I learned one important lesson this summer. The person whom you think understands you the most can turn his back on you when you least expect him to. I never thought I will ever regret talking to him again. I made that decision when I was in fourth year because I wanted to end our friendship in a better manner. Better in a sense that we will be able to explain and understand why we should end it. [We both decided to give it another shot.]

I really don't know what I should feel, should feel abandoned, graver yet betrayed?

For now, I feel quite irritated[Ano ang english word for naiinis?], a little sad and hurt. Irritated because he left me hanging and both sad and hurt because he is my best friend or should I say was.

Anyway I don't totally regret giving our friendship another shot. I was able to find my very best friend in him. Sobrang nanghihinayang ako kasi hindi ko alam kung ano ang nangyari.

One Friend

by Dan Seals

album:

I always thought you were the best 
I guess I always will. 
I always thought that we were blessed 
And I feel that way still. 
Sometimes we took the hard road 
But we always saw it through. 

If I had only one friend left 
I'd want it to be you. 

Sometimes the world was on our side 
Sometimes it wasn't fair. 
Sometimes it gave a helping hand 
Sometimes we didn't care. 

'Cause when we were together 
It made the dream come true. 

If I had only one friend left 
I'd want it to be you. 

Someone who understands me 
And knows me inside out. 
Helps keep me together 
And believes without a doubt, 
That I could move a mountain 
Someone to tell it to. 

If I had only one friend left 
I'd want it to be you. 

Someone who understands me
And knows me inside out. 
And helps keep me together 
And believes without a doubt, 
That I could move a mountain 
Someone to tell it to. 

If I had only one friend left 
I'd want it to be you.

I am a Rock by Simon and Garfunkel

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
Well, I've heard the word before.
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.